Monica talks about losing her husband and gaining new faith
Editorial note from Tamar Afriat: The image of Monica's youngest children weeping next to their father's grave and the boys, on their hands and knees, pushing dirt into the hole according to Jewish tradition – is one I will never ever forget. Monica is an amazing woman from Congregation Tiferet Yeshua in Tel Aviv. She has experienced great tragedy and, instead of falling into despair, drew closer to the Lord. Monica is the first to admit that she is weak, but the witness of the Holy Spirit in her life is powerful.
When I lost my husband to COVID, broken doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt. In my wildest dreams, I never imagined that I would become a widow while we were still young and had young children. I would have wept just imagining the possibility. Grief was consuming me, and I knew that I would not be able to care for our nine children if I didn’t do something. I had to fight. So, I did the only thing that I knew for sure would save me, and I did it with a passion: I cried out to God.
As believers, we can spend many years in the outer courtyard of the Temple. I can honestly say that for 24 years, I was there. My husband led me to the Lord when we first met, but, to some extent, I was “tagging along.” The problem was that I considered myself a strong believer – a passionate believer even! Today I know that I was defining myself by a set of beliefs that I strongly agreed with. That is not the same as having a deep personal relationship with God. About a month before my husband got sick, I started to feel that maybe something wasn’t exactly right in my faith. Soon enough, I would discover what it was.
Today I know that God did not pay the ultimate price just for us to sit in the outer courtyard. He wants us with Him, and He is calling each of us to enter into the Holy of Holies. We have worship songs about it, but entering into the Holy of Holies is not a special feeling we get during an anointed worship service. Entering into the Holy of Holies is a life journey. To embark on that journey, there are a few essential first steps we have to take. Without them, we will never make it.
Setting aside time with God every day has to be a priority. If we do not invest time in connecting with God, we will never enter into a real relationship with Him, and we will stay in the outer courtyard. Staying in the outer courtyard does not mean that you are not saved. But being in that place for a long time, where there is still a lot of the world and its distractions in you, makes it a lot easier to get up and walk away altogether.
Like I said, for many years I was following my husband’s lead in my faith. I was fellowshipping in our congregation. I was listening to powerful messages and worship music. All of those things are absolutely important. But you can’t come into a personal relationship with God in a group. You have to come by yourself. Alone.
When I found myself completely alone, without anyone to lead me, that is when I found the way. When I was drowning in grief after losing my husband, I began crying out to God constantly. Every day. Sometimes all day long. Before I knew it, I was tasting something I had never known before: a real relationship with God! To be clear, it is only by His grace, not by my efforts.
I just make the time to sit at His feet each day, something I had never done before. The more time I spend at His feet receiving from Him, the more grace He gives me to make time in my schedule to be there.
God desires us to be with Him so much and is jealous for our affections. My husband and I were amazing together. Our relationship was so blessed, especially in the last few years: we had been through so much together, and we were in a special season of our love. Still, that amazing love we had does not compare to God’s love.
He to You. And that encourages me because when “butterflies” of fear begin fluttering in my stomach, I know that in addition to the challenge in front of me, I am also about to experience closeness to God in a way I could not experience otherwise, while rollicking in green pastures and having all of my needs instantly met. We see an application of this when Paul writes to Timothy “…join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God…” (2 Timothy 1:8 NIV). He says, in effect: We are entering difficulty, but not alone. The strength of God will not leave us, but He is not here to remove hardship. Rather, He is here to help us pass through it, to be changed from the inside, and in the process, to draw closer to Him.
My prayer for you is that God would open your heart and draw you with cords of love to begin the journey to know Him in a deep way. May He enlighten your spirit and reveal Himself to you as a living, loving God jealous for you. May He draw you by His Holy Spirit into the Holy of Holies where He will share His secrets to your heart through His Word.
